Urban Jumble

I think i'm moving on...but..let me check my moving-on-button and let you know...

Italy did not start out very good for me. I kept up a happy face for me and for Linda, but I knew that I had told my family that my feet had touched down. I knew that that was the signal to John that I was OK and he could go...pass...die..and so he did.

Our sons, and dogs were there and I was not. Our good friends, the Martins' were there, and I was not. When I got the news, we were in Rome, the first of our destinations. Tyler said John had gotten up the day I landed in Rome, he watched a movie, The Black Panther, he had a cup of coffee, wanted to see the outside sunshine, he wanted the dogs close. Then he simply said he was tired and wanted to go. He told them he was happy I was in Italy and then he slipped into sleep and took his last breath the next afternoon. After hearing the news, I cried and let Linda just comfort me as only a very good friend can do.

Italy became wonderful when I was reminded by family and friends who knew us and me best: this is what John wanted. I struggled with this for a very long time, but have learned the truth and the totally unselfish act of John wanting me to be in Italy. Am I totally OK with it? No; but I'm getting to the place that wherever I am suppose to be.

Home after 21 days. The house is quiet, all rooms are normal, hospice things gone. It's like John's illness never happened. I'm not sure how to take it. But, I have to get back into life and get through the next few weeks and his memorial service.

Marley is sick. The day after I get home, Tyler and I took Marley in to go across that Rainbow Bridge into the place in Heaven where dogs go. Jeesh....Tyler said too much death and took some time off and went to Dallas. Can I go, too? Jeff keeps his head down and marches forth. I find myself sitting on the bathroom floor with the cabinet doors open looking at medicine, et al...various John sick stuff. I sit there with Tucker and cry. Then I lay on the floor with my arms around Tucker and ... cry. Then I go grocery shopping and then I eat. I eat lots. I go to work...people, some of them, are kind, some ignore me. Jeesh.

Tucker and Marley

Writing this after the fact, almost a year later, I wonder how I managed to get anything done. Did the 3 weeks in Italy help me prepare? I think so. Jeff and Tyler and the Martins did all of the work and I am grateful. John's ashes were even home in the beautiful "family" urn. Now, I have 5 urns: Jazzy, Riff, Ira, Marley and John. Somewhere out of this, I find some humor. John is residing in the same urn as my ex-husband, Bob. John knew that's where he was going to be and he loved it!

John's service. Not a blur. Many hands made it a memorable day. Many family members came and stayed. Many friends flew in to honor John. Food, memories, laughter and much love and we made it a good few days.