2018 he did it his way....

The Broadway play and movie, Rent, has a song in it that resonates ...Seasons of Love.  How do I tell John's story in this blog?  How do I tell you, if anyone is out there reading, how John chose to die? First, I need to tell you that he detested the touchy-feeling way of saying someone died by saying...they ... passed.  No, he use to say, they died. But, as his time became shorter and shorter on earth, he wrote one day on his tablet, that he thought passing was OK to use.  He wrote, that he was soon going to pass.  I looked at him and asked..."Where are you going?"

Me and My John before the ugliness of cancer,

In January 2018, I called our youngest son, Tyler and asked him to come home; he was living in Camas, WA. I needed his help with John and he needed to be close to his dad, me and Jeff during this time.  He was a blessing as both Jeff and I continued to work, Tyler took John to appointments, got his food ready for him and got him up into the walker and chairs.

By March and as a family, we met in John's Oncologist office and discussed the decision to discontinue chemo treatments.  I sat there thinking, I'm giving up on my husband's life. It seemed so surreal. But, he simply could not continue with chemo - it kicked has ass.  The next few months were spent in and out of the ER with various life-threatening issues common to end of life cancer patients.

His surgeon called me after visiting him in the ER and after having taken scans. The news was very grim, but he wanted me to know so we, as a family could tell John what to expect. The 4 of us sat in the living room and after hearing the grim details of the tumor progression, John said he was done. He wanted Hospice.

There were so many awful things that occurred that my soul-mate, my John endured toward the end that to describe them now would only be morbid. He was without his dignity and that really bugged him. We were all tired of seeing John slip further away, but that's what families do...they care for each other in good and in ugly and cancer is UGLY.

Back chaining: Italy May 2018.  My good friend and I had been planning a three week trip to Italy for almost 2 years. I said I needed to cancel. She understood, John did not.  In fact, he was furious, when I told him I was going to cancel.

I sat on the side of his Hospice bed and he wrote that he wanted me to go to Italy and that it would make him happy to know I was there when he died. SAY WHAT? After much arguing as to why I should stay and be with him, he looked me square in the eyes and said, reading lips, go to the bathroom and then wait a few seconds and then come out.  OK...when I came out, he was playing dead..which I didn't think was very funny.  He opened his eyes and said, "See, you could take a big old dump and I could be dead when you are done. Go to Italy."  He finished the conversation by saying, he wanted his sons and his two close friends, John and David Martin to be with him..he didn't want me to see him dead. He then said, I need to know that you know what to do when I die, so get the stuff together in a book and let me look at it.  OK. 

I gathered all the information he told me to gather, put it into a 3 ring binder with tabs, called the book: THE BOOK and handed it to him. It passed muster and he said, "Good."

I tried cancelling Italy two more times and each time, I was thwarted very angrily by John, Jeff and Tyler.  I didn't get it.

Three days before I was to leave, he said that he was going to die as soon as I got to Italy and he knew my feet had touched the ground.  He told me that he didn't want to live to have the tumor progress and that he was ready to "pass" into the Kingdom of God. He said he knew where he was going and that I needed to tell him I would go to Italy and that knowing I was there, he knew it was OK to go...to die...to pass. He told me he loved me more than anything and that my happiness was more important to him than hanging around being a burden.  I lost it at that.

We snuggled, talked about all the stuff we had done in our marriage, the bad, the ugly and the very, very good.  There was nothing left unsaid between us. Our marriage was rock-solid. We were the very best of partners; but I still wasn't going to go to Italy.  I planned on telling Linda we needed to cancel the next day at work. Linda understood.  Was it fate that I could not reach the travel agency to cancel?  I don't know. Was it God through John?  I don't know.  I was not able to cancel.

Two days before I left he said he didn't see any suitcases being packed. I got the suitcases down and began packing. He asked me to read my itinerary to him and to tell him all the places I was going to go. So, I did.  I didn't sleep that night.

The day before I left I was home taking care of John with Tyler.  He said he was trying to die and to leave him alone and quit hovering. If ever, in my sobriety, I was going to drink, it was that day. So, I fixed a cup of coffee and finished packing and went outside and cried.

My dogs sat with me. Tucker was a joyful, bouncing dog, but Marley, whom we knew was ill, wanted to be with John. I let him into the house and he laid on his hospice bed with him.

The Martin's came over, Hospice visited, and all I could do was watch this like an out of body experience.  I looked at everyone and said, I'm not going, Linda will understand.  John's eyes popped open and he said he wanted to die knowing I was in Italy..get on the darn plane and go.

1 hour before Tyler took me to the airport, I laid down with John. We had said everything there was to say; we left nothing on the table. When Tyler told me I had to go, My John looked at me and said, he'd see me on the other side and I know your name.

I went to Italy.  Two days after I left, John died on his terms.  He passed from my mortal life into a place where good spirits live and I have no doubt that I will see him when he calls my name.

Moving on and remembering to breathe. What now, God?