It's been a very strange two years. Two years of my life that at times seemed to drag and absolutely stand still - and two years that went by all too fast. Too fast to grab the rail of life as it twirled me from hope to despair back to hope.
My last post was full of hope. Hope that John's cancer would be arrested and we could get on with our lives. Well, that simply was not to be.
After he underwent his second surgery at MD Anderson, he went back to Houston two months later and underwent an 8 week regimen of concurrent chemo and radiation. Brutal. But, he never complained. He never said, this isn't fair. He never told me he was in any pain. He just smiled and said he was good. Liar.
John came home from Houston July 4th weekend and looked good. He was eating food and feeling energetic. We believed the cancer was gone. Liar...the cancer lied.
In September he began having strange spasms. We would find him on the floor sitting up or laying down. When we asked him why he was on the floor, he said he was tired and just wanted to lay down. Say WHAT?? The occurrences were not regular, but on one occasion, we witnessed it and it scared me.
After spending almost a week in the hospital, where he was mis diagnosed with seizures, I began to suspicion the tumor was on the move. That was confirmed when the spasms began more frequently.
John was scheduled for his 6 month check at MD Anderson in November and while in the plane, he had a violent spasm. The pilot called for an ambulance upon arrival and we were whisked to MD Anderson.
5 days later, after numerous tests and teams, the cancer team came in, read his charts, reviewed the scans and gave us the news that the tumor was back and had once again wrapped around his carotdid artery. He could have no more surgery and no more radiation or chemo. Basically, there was nothing they could do...except....
The head of the Oncology Department called right after we received the grim news and offered John immunotherapy. We went home with our directions to call John's oncologist. We had to wait an agonizing 5 weeks before treatments could begin.
January 11, John started immunotherapy. But...wait! 2017 rolled us into 1 incredible year.
Showing posts with label Life on Life's Terms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life on Life's Terms. Show all posts
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Thursday, April 28, 2016
rolling...rolling keep those dimes a rolling....
My life continues to roll with the punches that life throws my way. After all, it is the only thing I can do under the circumstances. Giving up is not an option.
John and I spent a week at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston last week, where he underwent another cancerous tumor removal. Sigh.
I wish I could say it was an overwhelming positive experience; but how can I...REALLY?
Cancer is big business. For those of you whom the "darkness" had touched, let me tell you, don't mess around...go to MD Anderson if at all possible. The place is like a small city with over 213 buildings spread over 1300 acres and employing over 20,000 people. Jeesh...it's huge.
Can you be happy in a hospital filled with people going through or ending various stages of different cancers? I think you can. However, I was not one of them. I'm being real and honest, here.
It was an overwhelming experience to be touched by MD Anderson. Most of the employed are happy and upbeat, which helped when I felt like a lost rat in the maze of life. People stepped forward, showed me that I wasn't lost and directed me to the correct elevator for where I needed to be. The food was tolerable. The overall building was cold and one day my elevator - elevator E to the 11th floor, did not work. Fortunately, the tower is equipped with a secondary elevator for staff and transporting patients. Eleven floors would have not made a happy Pat.
John's second tumor was wrapped around his carotid artery, but was removed successfully. He is on observation...cancer free. However, this does not include findings of anything smaller than they can see using various magnifying loops. For my husband...I wanted the Hubble...deep space looking. I got the surgeon's loop.
The care John received was phenomenal. His team of folk rose to the occasion giving instructions, information for after care and prognosis of care which includes speech pathology where John can learn to talk again. This was and is exciting.
We left a week later feeling confident that John would not only heal, but would have a quality of life touching on normal. We know he is not out of the cancer forest yet as the surgeons have agreed he will need either or both radiation and chemo after he heels. It's a nasty cancer bug...duh!
What is my take on this, the latest chapter? It still sux. I cannot kid you and tell you I am fine with all of this, for I am not. But what I am is this: undaunted and resolute.
I am undaunted by the mass of information and processes we need to ingest. I am undaunted by the nagging fear in the back of my head (which sometimes moves to center stage). I am undaunted in the energy I need to dig up from a weary me. I just gotta plow through.
I am resolute to continue to talk to my Higher Power, God. I am resolute to not lay blame or be angry for more than the time it takes me to say, "Hi God, me again...need a little help, here." I am resolute to love my husband no matter frickin' what comes down the path. I am resolute to continue my mantra of: I am Strong, I am Brave and I am Courageous! But, most of all, I want to read and say out loud the Serenity Prayer, that I now wear around my neck, every day with the conviction to say, God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
John and I spent a week at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston last week, where he underwent another cancerous tumor removal. Sigh.
I wish I could say it was an overwhelming positive experience; but how can I...REALLY?
Cancer is big business. For those of you whom the "darkness" had touched, let me tell you, don't mess around...go to MD Anderson if at all possible. The place is like a small city with over 213 buildings spread over 1300 acres and employing over 20,000 people. Jeesh...it's huge.
Can you be happy in a hospital filled with people going through or ending various stages of different cancers? I think you can. However, I was not one of them. I'm being real and honest, here.
It was an overwhelming experience to be touched by MD Anderson. Most of the employed are happy and upbeat, which helped when I felt like a lost rat in the maze of life. People stepped forward, showed me that I wasn't lost and directed me to the correct elevator for where I needed to be. The food was tolerable. The overall building was cold and one day my elevator - elevator E to the 11th floor, did not work. Fortunately, the tower is equipped with a secondary elevator for staff and transporting patients. Eleven floors would have not made a happy Pat.
John's second tumor was wrapped around his carotid artery, but was removed successfully. He is on observation...cancer free. However, this does not include findings of anything smaller than they can see using various magnifying loops. For my husband...I wanted the Hubble...deep space looking. I got the surgeon's loop.
The care John received was phenomenal. His team of folk rose to the occasion giving instructions, information for after care and prognosis of care which includes speech pathology where John can learn to talk again. This was and is exciting.
We left a week later feeling confident that John would not only heal, but would have a quality of life touching on normal. We know he is not out of the cancer forest yet as the surgeons have agreed he will need either or both radiation and chemo after he heels. It's a nasty cancer bug...duh!
What is my take on this, the latest chapter? It still sux. I cannot kid you and tell you I am fine with all of this, for I am not. But what I am is this: undaunted and resolute.
I am undaunted by the mass of information and processes we need to ingest. I am undaunted by the nagging fear in the back of my head (which sometimes moves to center stage). I am undaunted in the energy I need to dig up from a weary me. I just gotta plow through.
I am resolute to continue to talk to my Higher Power, God. I am resolute to not lay blame or be angry for more than the time it takes me to say, "Hi God, me again...need a little help, here." I am resolute to love my husband no matter frickin' what comes down the path. I am resolute to continue my mantra of: I am Strong, I am Brave and I am Courageous! But, most of all, I want to read and say out loud the Serenity Prayer, that I now wear around my neck, every day with the conviction to say, God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Friday, January 15, 2016
life just happened...and right now it is crap
I don't know how or why life happens the way it does, but when whatever IT is happens, it disrupts. This time, when it happened, IT came crashing down like so many tons of bad baggage. You know...the crap we carry around with us. But, it wasn't my baggage. It was my husband's, John.
Let me begin at what I think is the beginning. My husband, John, spent 21 years in the Marine Corps before retiring. During the time he was in the Marines, he was in Vietnam with a whole bunch of young men (and women - nurses). Our government was so wise in trying to figure out how to rout the N. Vietnamese out of the bushes, that they dumped Agent Orange all over the jungle in hopes of defoliating it and hence..finding the enemy easier. Well, Agent Orange got dumped on people as well as trees and bushes. The effects of Agent Orange were disputed by the US Government. WHY?Well, we lost the war. Thousands of Vets returned and the government did not acknowledge their symptoms as a result of Agent Orange.
Fast forward spring 2015. John's voice began to deteriorate and after consulting a doctor, it was determined that he had throat cancer. A strange type of cancer - aggressive - resistant to normal treatments. He tippy-toed around the obvious and finally said, this type of cancer is directly related to Agent Orange. The doctor opted for radiation and all was good for about three months and the voice deteriorated again. This time, the tumor had grown back to a stage 3 tumor that had to be surgically removed. Ooohrah...
October 19, 2015, the surgeon removed the tumor as well as John's voice box, surrounding lymph and having only found 1 little, bitty lymph with cancer (which was removed), pronounced John clear.
The recovery was brutal and frustrating as John can no longer speak. He's a good speller - so he writes. We told ourselves, this is little price to pay for his declaration of cancer free.
John started chemo this past Wednesday almost three months to the day he was pronounced free of cancer. This sux.
The new tumor, it seems was a nodule on a scan...nothing to worry about...thought the surgeon. And besides, this type of cancer doesn't jump around...so, the nodule couldn't be cancer, right?
We sat in the doctor's office with our faces like stone. In fact, I wanted to become a stone and hurl myself at the doctor and his soft voice saying he hated to give us this news. I went where angels fear to tread and I simply asked, "How could you miss this?"
I have declined to talk to anyone who wants to call this shit, a journey or a challenge. I refuse to talk to people without looking at them like they are ignorant and completely delusional who believe that God has put John's feet on this path? SAY WHAT?
My belief in God, my Higher Power, does not believe that God orchestrates all of our moves and then waits to see what we do. EEGADS...
If I believed in THAT kind of God, I would believe, then, that none of the choices I have made have anything to do with my brain. THAT kind of God sits where ever he/she sits and moves us from chessboard square to chessboard square according to his whim. The Mythological Gods, like Zeus, did that. Nope. I don't buy it at all.
My God allows me the dignity to think and make my own choices to take whatever path is laid before me. His hand is always there for me to reach out and hold, but I do not for one itty, bitty nano second believe he chooses our paths. For if I believed that, I would have to ask him/her why he gives people paths that cause pain, suffering and death. A common question thought by those who are agnostic and atheist. I am neither.
I fully believe that God gave us brains to make decisions. What we do with those decisions and how we react in the situations define us as human beings and allow us to ask God for direction. And once through the situation, we can give our thanks and gratitude to him for never abandoning us.
The Life is life on Life's terms mantra, does not diminish my faith or my trust in my Higher Power, my God. It allows me to be real about God, not get burned out on a God who may choose to set my feet on paths that are crap. I reject that God and embrace the God who never said their wouldn't be dark valleys, but that he would always be there walking along side of us...waiting for the call.
Let me begin at what I think is the beginning. My husband, John, spent 21 years in the Marine Corps before retiring. During the time he was in the Marines, he was in Vietnam with a whole bunch of young men (and women - nurses). Our government was so wise in trying to figure out how to rout the N. Vietnamese out of the bushes, that they dumped Agent Orange all over the jungle in hopes of defoliating it and hence..finding the enemy easier. Well, Agent Orange got dumped on people as well as trees and bushes. The effects of Agent Orange were disputed by the US Government. WHY?Well, we lost the war. Thousands of Vets returned and the government did not acknowledge their symptoms as a result of Agent Orange.
Fast forward spring 2015. John's voice began to deteriorate and after consulting a doctor, it was determined that he had throat cancer. A strange type of cancer - aggressive - resistant to normal treatments. He tippy-toed around the obvious and finally said, this type of cancer is directly related to Agent Orange. The doctor opted for radiation and all was good for about three months and the voice deteriorated again. This time, the tumor had grown back to a stage 3 tumor that had to be surgically removed. Ooohrah...
October 19, 2015, the surgeon removed the tumor as well as John's voice box, surrounding lymph and having only found 1 little, bitty lymph with cancer (which was removed), pronounced John clear.
The recovery was brutal and frustrating as John can no longer speak. He's a good speller - so he writes. We told ourselves, this is little price to pay for his declaration of cancer free.
John started chemo this past Wednesday almost three months to the day he was pronounced free of cancer. This sux.
The new tumor, it seems was a nodule on a scan...nothing to worry about...thought the surgeon. And besides, this type of cancer doesn't jump around...so, the nodule couldn't be cancer, right?
We sat in the doctor's office with our faces like stone. In fact, I wanted to become a stone and hurl myself at the doctor and his soft voice saying he hated to give us this news. I went where angels fear to tread and I simply asked, "How could you miss this?"
I have declined to talk to anyone who wants to call this shit, a journey or a challenge. I refuse to talk to people without looking at them like they are ignorant and completely delusional who believe that God has put John's feet on this path? SAY WHAT?
My belief in God, my Higher Power, does not believe that God orchestrates all of our moves and then waits to see what we do. EEGADS...
If I believed in THAT kind of God, I would believe, then, that none of the choices I have made have anything to do with my brain. THAT kind of God sits where ever he/she sits and moves us from chessboard square to chessboard square according to his whim. The Mythological Gods, like Zeus, did that. Nope. I don't buy it at all.
My God allows me the dignity to think and make my own choices to take whatever path is laid before me. His hand is always there for me to reach out and hold, but I do not for one itty, bitty nano second believe he chooses our paths. For if I believed that, I would have to ask him/her why he gives people paths that cause pain, suffering and death. A common question thought by those who are agnostic and atheist. I am neither.
I fully believe that God gave us brains to make decisions. What we do with those decisions and how we react in the situations define us as human beings and allow us to ask God for direction. And once through the situation, we can give our thanks and gratitude to him for never abandoning us.
The Life is life on Life's terms mantra, does not diminish my faith or my trust in my Higher Power, my God. It allows me to be real about God, not get burned out on a God who may choose to set my feet on paths that are crap. I reject that God and embrace the God who never said their wouldn't be dark valleys, but that he would always be there walking along side of us...waiting for the call.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
life can really be a roll of dimes...
When I was a young mom, my children were the most important thing in my life. As they, and me, grew, I came to appreciate them on a different level than the care taker role of a parent. But, the funny thing about being a parent...is that you, once are, never...aren't. My grown children, Jeff and Tyler, will always be my boys. Oh, for sure they are their "own" people. My influence over them or for them has waned as they passed the age of accountability to me (what is THAT age, anyway, hmmm?). The really cool thing about them is that they are a reflection of me in so many ways. Not that I'm that great to reflect. God knows I made horrible, ugly mistakes growing to the age and wisdom I have achieved. But, they are me..they love to read...love to debate just about anything...love being "Geeky" with board games and most importantly, they love being a part of our family.
When I became a grandmother - I honestly didn't think I was ready to be one. I looked in the mirror and saw a reflection of me, not a grandmother. When it happened a second time, I stared at the reflection looking back at me and realized that I was a grandmother. I wondered for about 1 nano-second how that had happened and knowingly smiled: Elizabeth and Elijah.
Now, I know there are folk who chose not to have kids and will never know what it is like to be a grandmother or a grandfather. That's OK. I respect them as people and more importantly, as friends.
Elizabeth and Eli are my youngest (Tyler) son's kids. They are resilient. If I could look for any other adjective to describe them at this juncture in their lives, I couldn't think of a better one than reslient.
Life is life on life's terms which is an expression I use to accept the changes in life over which I have absolutely no control....sometimes it sounds emotionless or heartless, depending on who is receiving the statement. And, it is never used casually as in...."Oh, your husband has cancer and got dead. Well, it is life on life's terms, after all." Nope...it's never used to sound superior, to block truth in emotion or feelings. It is as term that implies acceptance.
Drugs. We treat those affected with addictions as second-class citizens. We view them from our lofty perches as "those beneath us." We think of them as weak, without morals and individuals whom God has abandoned to an accidental overdose.
Drugs permeate all walks of life, all peoples and all families. And when the dark side of drugs comes knocking at your door, there can be no escape from the wreckage it causes. Lives are broken, homes destroyed and in the wake of the hurricane called addiction, children are often caught in the middle and shoved to the end of hope.
Hope. It is what we try to hold on to when someone we love is ravaged by the darkness of drug addiction (include alcohol). We can pray. We can let them go. We can intervene and suggest treatment through in-patient programs or the 12 Steps of AA in meetings. After that, we can do no more except hold on to Hope that one day (and hopefully sooner than later), our loved one(s) will be willing to turn their lives over to a Higher Power and learn the root of their thinking and how to live their lives in the presence of God as a human being, person who has been through the fire and can now help someone else.
Sometimes...all that we do through prayer and stepping back and allowing a Higher Power, God, to come into a life does no good and we lose friends and family members to the disease of addictions.
But, sometimes....sometimes,...the Hope we hold on to...the life we pray for steps from the darkness and into the growing and sometimes scary life where the darkness fades and the light bulb is turned on.
My family, including me and my husband, have been through the darkness. And when we were ready and most importantly, willing, to turn our lives over to a Higher Power of our choosing, we have been blessed with knowing we have been refined by the fire. We move forward in God's Will, never forgetting our pasts, not dwelling on them or wishing for something different. We accept, live day to day without doing any harm, trying our best to stay in God's Will and repeating the Serenity Prayer....over and over and over.....
Resilient. So, we look now at lives having been affected either through their own actions or those put upon them by others suffering in the disease of addictions and we hold all those lives and we say, Thank You, God.
When I became a grandmother - I honestly didn't think I was ready to be one. I looked in the mirror and saw a reflection of me, not a grandmother. When it happened a second time, I stared at the reflection looking back at me and realized that I was a grandmother. I wondered for about 1 nano-second how that had happened and knowingly smiled: Elizabeth and Elijah.
Now, I know there are folk who chose not to have kids and will never know what it is like to be a grandmother or a grandfather. That's OK. I respect them as people and more importantly, as friends.
Elizabeth and Eli are my youngest (Tyler) son's kids. They are resilient. If I could look for any other adjective to describe them at this juncture in their lives, I couldn't think of a better one than reslient.
Life is life on life's terms which is an expression I use to accept the changes in life over which I have absolutely no control....sometimes it sounds emotionless or heartless, depending on who is receiving the statement. And, it is never used casually as in...."Oh, your husband has cancer and got dead. Well, it is life on life's terms, after all." Nope...it's never used to sound superior, to block truth in emotion or feelings. It is as term that implies acceptance.
Drugs. We treat those affected with addictions as second-class citizens. We view them from our lofty perches as "those beneath us." We think of them as weak, without morals and individuals whom God has abandoned to an accidental overdose.
Drugs permeate all walks of life, all peoples and all families. And when the dark side of drugs comes knocking at your door, there can be no escape from the wreckage it causes. Lives are broken, homes destroyed and in the wake of the hurricane called addiction, children are often caught in the middle and shoved to the end of hope.
Hope. It is what we try to hold on to when someone we love is ravaged by the darkness of drug addiction (include alcohol). We can pray. We can let them go. We can intervene and suggest treatment through in-patient programs or the 12 Steps of AA in meetings. After that, we can do no more except hold on to Hope that one day (and hopefully sooner than later), our loved one(s) will be willing to turn their lives over to a Higher Power and learn the root of their thinking and how to live their lives in the presence of God as a human being, person who has been through the fire and can now help someone else.
Sometimes...all that we do through prayer and stepping back and allowing a Higher Power, God, to come into a life does no good and we lose friends and family members to the disease of addictions.
But, sometimes....sometimes,...the Hope we hold on to...the life we pray for steps from the darkness and into the growing and sometimes scary life where the darkness fades and the light bulb is turned on.
My family, including me and my husband, have been through the darkness. And when we were ready and most importantly, willing, to turn our lives over to a Higher Power of our choosing, we have been blessed with knowing we have been refined by the fire. We move forward in God's Will, never forgetting our pasts, not dwelling on them or wishing for something different. We accept, live day to day without doing any harm, trying our best to stay in God's Will and repeating the Serenity Prayer....over and over and over.....
Resilient. So, we look now at lives having been affected either through their own actions or those put upon them by others suffering in the disease of addictions and we hold all those lives and we say, Thank You, God.
here I am....let's chat
Well...I'm not sure what to say. Blogs are hard. Hard to maintain when the blog is not exactly my life or at least the total sum of my parts.
So, here I sit feeling a bit remorseful that I have not maintained my little world of cyber space for so long. I went missing from my blog once before and I think the same reason holds true. Life is life on life's terms and sometimes, life just gets in the way of blogging.
I wish I could be like professional bloggers, but I am not. So, I make no excuses for my lazy behavior.
Let's chat.
I had to look back on the various posts to see exactly when my last one was. My bad....a few years ago...2012 to be exact. So, what's been up in those past years where posting went away? Let me bullet point the low and highs and if you are interested in peeking at more detail...check the labels where the events will be detailed.
2012
- I got a job that I actually enjoy and appreciate-no label here
- I joined a dog club-no label here
- Rode horses: Norman, Quarterhorse and Drake, Thoroghbred. Whee!!!
- July, we went to Lake LBJ with friends
- June I traveled to the NW to see grands Elizabeth and Eli and son, Tyler. Then ventured across the Cascades to visit my sister, Linda and her family- was a great, fun-filled trip-Family Label
- Flew back to the NW in mid December to see son and grandkids-Family Label
- Grandkids are taken by their mom to Southern Oregon to live-this is a sad time
- Spent first Christmas in Texas - I tried to be happy-Christmas Label
2013
This is really taxing my brain to remember high and low lights of years gone by; which is another reason to just do it! Keep up with my blog postings.
- My beautiful girl, Jazzy, the best dog EVER in the world was diagnosed with Cushings. Prognosis: about 18 months to live - TOPS. Dog Label
- Marley achieved his CGC (Canine Good Citizen) title-YAY!!
- Marley achieved his Novice Rally title-YAY!!!
- Rode our scoots into the Big Bend National Park with friends - beautiful trip.
- Rode our scoots with Run For the Wall as Ambassadors from Odessa to Washington DC
- Flew to the NW to see son. Tyler and take Lizzy and Eli camping at the Oregon coast-Family Label
- X-Box Kinnect video chat is the best technology EVER to share in real time visits with Tyler, Lizzy and Eli.
2014
This year started on a strange wave of uber emotions and has not abated as I post this in April 2015.
Lots of Labels.....peek, if you choose....
- January - Grandkids now live with their dad, my son Tyler in Vancouver, WA
- February I send a guitar to Lizzy
- April - I visit the NW see Grandkids, Tyler and friends
- April - We ride scoots to Riodoso, NM with friends
- June 26 - the Grandkids arrived for the rest of the summer
- July - We go to Carlsbad Canyons and Roswell with grandkids and stay in KOA in cute little cabin
- July - Off we go to San Antonio...the Alamo...and Sea World and Aquatica....a great time!
- August - John helps move Tyler to our home- the now live with us....this is a happy/sad time
- August - kids start school in Odessa
- September - Lizzy and I enter lots of crafts and food in Ector County Fair...we win lots of Blue and Champion ribbons!
- October Close to Halloween - the kids mom, Patti, comes to visit - this is a happy time
- October - John and I trade in our scoots (my Harley and his Goldwing) on a 2012 Can-am Spyder with a cute little trailer
- Thanksgiving - Way too much food
- Christmas - OHMYSTARS!!!!
Friday, June 29, 2012
...livin' someone else's life....
I'm reading a series of books called The Dresden Files. The Dresden files is fantasy/mystery novels written by Jim Butcher. He provides a first person narrative of each story from the point of view of the main character, private investigator and wizard, Harry Dresden, as he recounts investigations into supernatural disturbances in modern-day Chicago.
I like the books because the author has developed good characters that you want to see do good against evil. I was going to stop after I read the 4th book, but I am compelled to keep reading. It's mindless fun and it takes me away into a world far removed from my own.
I have a couple of friends who blog almost every day. They lead interesting lives and have interesting adventures to tell followers of their musings. I don't live a very interesting life. In fact, if I judge my life against others, including my blogging friends, I lead a pretty boring life. It's gotten more strange since our move to Texas. It's no wonder I'm reading about Wizards chasing weird creatures through Chicago!
I thought about writing on my blog..more like a diary...a journal, but that requires that I sit down and actually do the writing EVERY day. I'm not sure I'm that committed. I'd like to, I just don't know what I would say that you guys would find interesting. So...I take keyboard to hand when I think I've got something to say that interests me. After all, it is my blog and blogs are usually all about the person blogging. Back to the books.....for I digress.
I've decided after I read this series, I'll read the ones my husband has just finished. Adventure books about finding the lost continent of Atlantis...books like that. Again...mindless stuff that just takes me away right before I put head on pillow. Nothing serious..nothing thought provoking...heck, that keeps me up. Not TV in the bedroom in this house. We, John and I, along with the dogs, Jazzy and Marley, hit the bed, read, and then it's lights out....until one of the dogs has to go outside.
Reading has been one of those past times in my life that I rely on to center my mind and help me concentrate on non-life things. When I read..by the way, I love holding the books, taking a little marker and marking the pages; I'm a tactile reader and therefore, have avoided a Kindle or another type of reader. To me, there is something really cool about looking at a stack of books and knowing that they are either waiting for me to read or with a big grin, I look and say, 'Wow! I made it through another series."
I read thought provoking books...religious, political, historical, biographies....but, I need the silly stuff to read right along side, or I'll get too involved in my thoughts to sleep.
Which brings me to my favorite author of fantasy/adventure novels, R.A. Salvatore. I sat down last summer when my life had taken a startling turn with the loss of my job and the looming loss of our house, (needless to say, I needed a good book to take me away....), and I started reading his novels and I was hooked! What took my husband and sons 15 years to read (they collected and read since he was first printed), took me a few months of solid, dedicated reading.
Starting with the Dark Elf Trilogy - the visualizations of a nether world he created was perfectly created in my mind.The images of the worlds he created literally popped into my sight. His novels of the conflicted Elf D'rizzt Do'Urden are the stories of good against evil with D'rizzt carving his way against Orcs, Goblins and Elementals and of course Dragons! But, they are more than just books about duels...they deal with religion, faith, race, prejudice, family and perceptions. They are thought provoking as well as wildly entertaining and fascinating to read. (at least I think so).
I have finished the rest of his novels: 13 in all and I hope he's not done with the characters. I'm hoping he still thinks the characters have a story to tell us because I'm not done and I'm not ready for the story to end.
He's on my bucket list to meet one day to thank for lifting me out of a dark place in my life and showing me through a wonderful story and fantasy world backdrop that being swept away in a story, putting my mind outside of my life for a few pages, brought me joy in the printed page.
..and now, my current book, The Dresden Files, "Dead Beat" is calling me.....
I like the books because the author has developed good characters that you want to see do good against evil. I was going to stop after I read the 4th book, but I am compelled to keep reading. It's mindless fun and it takes me away into a world far removed from my own.
I have a couple of friends who blog almost every day. They lead interesting lives and have interesting adventures to tell followers of their musings. I don't live a very interesting life. In fact, if I judge my life against others, including my blogging friends, I lead a pretty boring life. It's gotten more strange since our move to Texas. It's no wonder I'm reading about Wizards chasing weird creatures through Chicago!
I thought about writing on my blog..more like a diary...a journal, but that requires that I sit down and actually do the writing EVERY day. I'm not sure I'm that committed. I'd like to, I just don't know what I would say that you guys would find interesting. So...I take keyboard to hand when I think I've got something to say that interests me. After all, it is my blog and blogs are usually all about the person blogging. Back to the books.....for I digress.
I've decided after I read this series, I'll read the ones my husband has just finished. Adventure books about finding the lost continent of Atlantis...books like that. Again...mindless stuff that just takes me away right before I put head on pillow. Nothing serious..nothing thought provoking...heck, that keeps me up. Not TV in the bedroom in this house. We, John and I, along with the dogs, Jazzy and Marley, hit the bed, read, and then it's lights out....until one of the dogs has to go outside.
Reading has been one of those past times in my life that I rely on to center my mind and help me concentrate on non-life things. When I read..by the way, I love holding the books, taking a little marker and marking the pages; I'm a tactile reader and therefore, have avoided a Kindle or another type of reader. To me, there is something really cool about looking at a stack of books and knowing that they are either waiting for me to read or with a big grin, I look and say, 'Wow! I made it through another series."
I read thought provoking books...religious, political, historical, biographies....but, I need the silly stuff to read right along side, or I'll get too involved in my thoughts to sleep.Which brings me to my favorite author of fantasy/adventure novels, R.A. Salvatore. I sat down last summer when my life had taken a startling turn with the loss of my job and the looming loss of our house, (needless to say, I needed a good book to take me away....), and I started reading his novels and I was hooked! What took my husband and sons 15 years to read (they collected and read since he was first printed), took me a few months of solid, dedicated reading.
Starting with the Dark Elf Trilogy - the visualizations of a nether world he created was perfectly created in my mind.The images of the worlds he created literally popped into my sight. His novels of the conflicted Elf D'rizzt Do'Urden are the stories of good against evil with D'rizzt carving his way against Orcs, Goblins and Elementals and of course Dragons! But, they are more than just books about duels...they deal with religion, faith, race, prejudice, family and perceptions. They are thought provoking as well as wildly entertaining and fascinating to read. (at least I think so).
I have finished the rest of his novels: 13 in all and I hope he's not done with the characters. I'm hoping he still thinks the characters have a story to tell us because I'm not done and I'm not ready for the story to end.
He's on my bucket list to meet one day to thank for lifting me out of a dark place in my life and showing me through a wonderful story and fantasy world backdrop that being swept away in a story, putting my mind outside of my life for a few pages, brought me joy in the printed page.
..and now, my current book, The Dresden Files, "Dead Beat" is calling me.....
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Once Upon a Time in the land of Uz...
... there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. His life was full for he had with him family, land, livestock and servants. Indeed, he was the greatest man among all the people of the East.
One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. The LORD said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the LORD, “From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it looking for an upright man” Then the LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”
Satan answered, “Does Job fear God for nothing?” Satan replied. “Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.”
The LORD said to Satan, “Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.”
Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and wreaked havoc upon Job.
Job travailed through adversity but never "dissed" the name of God. After much and many problems and adveristy, friends came upon Job, convinced that he had committed great sin before God for it was beyond their comprehension that God would allow great adversity to a righteous man.
Job speaks to his friends:
But where can wisdom be found?
Where does understanding dwell?
No mortal comprehends its worth;
it cannot be found in the land of the living.
The deep says, “It is not in me”; the sea says, “It is not with me.”
It cannot be bought with the finest gold,
nor can its price be weighed out in silver.
Where does understanding dwell?
No mortal comprehends its worth;
it cannot be found in the land of the living.
The deep says, “It is not in me”; the sea says, “It is not with me.”
It cannot be bought with the finest gold,
nor can its price be weighed out in silver.
Destruction and Death say,
“Only a rumor of it has reached our ears.”
God understands the way to it
and he alone knows where it dwells,
for he views the ends of the earth
and sees everything under the heavens.
When he established the force of the wind
and measured out the waters,
when he made a decree for the rain and a path for the thunderstorm,
then he looked at wisdom and appraised it;
he confirmed it and tested it.
And he said to the human race,
“The fear of the Lord—that is wisdom,
and to shun evil is understanding.”
And God, out of the whirlwind of Job's despair answers,
"Do you give the horse his might? Do you clothe his neck with a mane ? Do you make him leap like the locust? His majestic snorting is terrible. He paws in the valley, and rejoices in his strength; He goes out to meet the weapons. He laughs at fear and is not dismayed; And he does not turn back from the sword.
The quiver rattles against him, The flashing spear and javelin.
With shaking and rage he races over the ground
And he does not stand still at the voice of the trumpet."
So, from the land of Uz comes this remembered lesson:
My life continues to experience life on lifes terms and that I am better than OK and,
it is more important to praise God when I am in the valley
more than when I am on top of the hill.
And like the magnificent and powerful horse into which God breathed life,
I will honor my strength and not be fearful and I will not shy away from the sword.
Friday, February 4, 2011
..it aint about how hard you hit...it's about taking the hits and keep moving forward.
Awrighty, then. When my kids were little and I was sick, which was a rarity, I would pile up the Rocky movies 1-4, and watch them from my balcony seat on the couch. I love the movies because I am a complete sucker for the little guy overcoming odds and winning or better than winning, proving that he (substitute she), can work hard to overcome insurmountable odds. When my kids got off the bus and came into the house and found me watching the Rocky movies they knew that something must be out of skew with mom. Such a barometer of me those movies have become.
There are other movies I watch when my mood or feelings need to be dragged out from a safe place within my heart and put on display where I can be vulnerable and open to whatever needs to happen to help me understand or to change. But, for me, there are only the Rocky movies for a total lift.
What do these movies mean to me? These are movies we watch over and over again as a family. Each of us have our own reason for liking them. For my husband John, it is the choreographed boxing scenes cuz he used to box. For our son Jeff, it is the research he's done about the movies and getting involved in each of the characters. For Tyler it is just escapism and fun; just get it on, Dude! Me? I just want to see two guys beating the heck out of each other and seeing the good guy redeem himself. Until the recent Rocky Balboa, the last movie in the franchise, my favorite was Rocky IV.
In an exhibition match with Rocky's former friend, Apollo Creed, Drago, the Soviet Union champion, kills Apollo. But the match with Drago is more than redeeming the legacy of his friend, it's a match of strength, endurance and heart and it's the USA against Russia. I love every minute of this movie (with the exception of the now dead soul singer James Brown...never liked him). I love the scenes pitting Rocky's primitive training techniques in the winter countryside of Russia against the high tech training in a polished gym with Drago and his Soviet team. My body aches when I see Rocky (Stallone), do push ups and pull ups and seemingly elevate his body - a show of determination and strength and most of all the will of the human spirit. Against all odds, Rocky enters the ring to face Drago and he wins after grinding and punching through 15 rounds of blood and black eyes.
Rocky Balboa, the final (?) movie has become my friend. Rocky has aged, his wife has died and his son doesn't like him very much. Rocky still has much to say about his life - he's just not done with who is is or who he once was. He agrees to an exhibition match with the current heavyweight world champion who has had easy matches where he has not had to "go the distance". Along comes Rocky.
But, there is more to this movie than Rocky's return to the ring: his relationship with his son needs to be healed. His son is jealous of living in the big shadow of his dad. In one of the best scenes in the movie his son, Robbie has confronted his dad in anger because Rocky has decided to participate in the exhibition match.
His son (a corporate executive in his 30s) is totally against the idea. His career is going nowhere and he blames his father for casting a big shadow over him. His friends make fun of him because of who his father is.
This is where the 60-year old Rocky gives his son a heart-to-heart reprimand about how he needs to stop blaming and take charge of his life. A saddened Rocky says he remembers when his son could fit in the palm of his hand. He says that he saw great potential in him and when he first started off in life, he did great. However,at some point, he changed. He lost his way and started blaming other things and people for his own misfortune. Telling him:
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. It’s How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.
Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not point fingers and blame other people. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!”
Once again Rocky has inspired me to take the punch and keep moving forward. It's not about stopping or quitting, it's about getting up when the dimes roll and the hits come and declaring at the top of my voice, "I'm not quitting. I'm not going to let the world define who I am. I am the master of my own destiny, the captain of my life and I can take the hit and keep moving forward!" Thanks, Rocky!
What do these movies mean to me? These are movies we watch over and over again as a family. Each of us have our own reason for liking them. For my husband John, it is the choreographed boxing scenes cuz he used to box. For our son Jeff, it is the research he's done about the movies and getting involved in each of the characters. For Tyler it is just escapism and fun; just get it on, Dude! Me? I just want to see two guys beating the heck out of each other and seeing the good guy redeem himself. Until the recent Rocky Balboa, the last movie in the franchise, my favorite was Rocky IV.
Rocky Balboa, the final (?) movie has become my friend. Rocky has aged, his wife has died and his son doesn't like him very much. Rocky still has much to say about his life - he's just not done with who is is or who he once was. He agrees to an exhibition match with the current heavyweight world champion who has had easy matches where he has not had to "go the distance". Along comes Rocky.
But, there is more to this movie than Rocky's return to the ring: his relationship with his son needs to be healed. His son is jealous of living in the big shadow of his dad. In one of the best scenes in the movie his son, Robbie has confronted his dad in anger because Rocky has decided to participate in the exhibition match.
This is where the 60-year old Rocky gives his son a heart-to-heart reprimand about how he needs to stop blaming and take charge of his life. A saddened Rocky says he remembers when his son could fit in the palm of his hand. He says that he saw great potential in him and when he first started off in life, he did great. However,at some point, he changed. He lost his way and started blaming other things and people for his own misfortune. Telling him:
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. It’s How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.
Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not point fingers and blame other people. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!”
Once again Rocky has inspired me to take the punch and keep moving forward. It's not about stopping or quitting, it's about getting up when the dimes roll and the hits come and declaring at the top of my voice, "I'm not quitting. I'm not going to let the world define who I am. I am the master of my own destiny, the captain of my life and I can take the hit and keep moving forward!" Thanks, Rocky!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Here I AM!
Tuesday January 25, 2011, I was informed along with 40 other people in our department that we are no longer employed. What is the word they use? Downsized? I think that is it. But, what the word translates into most people's heads, including mine, is you are no longer valued - you are no longer wanted or necessary. So, how do I handle that? I cried like a little girl. WAIT! I am a girl. So, it was OK..for a moment to give in and cry. But, ya know what? I do not believe I am devalued or unnecessary. I am a Child of God which equates to being very worthy!
By the end of the day, Tuesday, I had discovered something about myself. I can't stay negative. I want to, but...I just can't. Life is life on life's terms and I know life can turn on a dime. I've had my share of dimes rolling along and I should be used to hearing them roll on the floor - but the truth is, I don't think any of us will ever get used to seeing that dime come our way. I am saddened by the rolling dime, but I am not negative.
My good friend, Palma and I have a sterling silver heart shaped, box that lives most of the year in a pretty organdy bag that is bejeweled with crystals and satin ribbon. At Christmas, it has become our tradition to put small gifts in the box and give them to each other. This year, I had the box and I put a moon face pottery piece that I had made into the box. It's just a silly little moon face that speaks volumes of the depth of our friendship. A good and lasting frienship built on trust is an "I love you to the moon and back frienship". 
When the box came back to me and I opened it - I roared with laughter. In the box, was a roll of dimes. The roll of dimes also speaks volumes of our friendship and what we are not afraid to share in our lives and the trust we've built. I love the gift "to the moon and back!"
Last night I held the roll of dimes and giggled again and I was reminded that I have dear friends who sustain me with laughter and comforting words - or rolls of dimes - when I need it. I'm hoping that if Palma needs to laugh when the dimes roll in her life, she can giggle at the little moon face. I think she will. No; I know she will.
I have come to understand that dreading something is akin to being and living in fear. When that epiphany was realized in my brain - it stopped me in my tracks. I realized I had to change up my thinking. A spirit or thinking of dread cannot be of God. It simply isn't something God would have me be in my life - dimes or not! As I held the roll of dimes last night I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I cannot give in to dread for it keeps me immobilized. It keeps me in a state of fear and fear and faith cannot exist side-by-side. So, I put it aside and renewed my faith in a God who has never let me down...He's never abandoned me. Neither has my husband, he has a his quiet strength and a very strong faith in God. I am blessed to be married to him. Together married for Time and All Eternity, we have the Victory and we will STAND on God's Word. We will be Victorious!
John and I are sitting at the Marine Corps Barracks at 8th and I Street in Washington DC about to watch the Sunset Parade and Drill. It was a perfect day.
So, here I am God. You haven't brought me this far on the path to drop me on my patoosh. I know that the dime has rolled and it is up to me to make the best out of it. I don't know yet what that is, but I know with faith and constant praising Your Tender Mercies, I cannot fail. I cannot worry about a future that hasn't come or give in to trying to control a situation I did not create. I can only STAND on the faith that I have and know that God has by back and He will not fail me. A door slammed and I have faith that You will open a window to the great, "What if...."...and I'm peeking through it. HERE I AM!
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