My life continues to roll with the punches that life throws my way. After all, it is the only thing I can do under the circumstances. Giving up is not an option.
John and I spent a week at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston last week, where he underwent another cancerous tumor removal. Sigh.
I wish I could say it was an overwhelming positive experience; but how can I...REALLY?
Cancer is big business. For those of you whom the "darkness" had touched, let me tell you, don't mess around...go to MD Anderson if at all possible. The place is like a small city with over 213 buildings spread over 1300 acres and employing over 20,000 people. Jeesh...it's huge.
Can you be happy in a hospital filled with people going through or ending various stages of different cancers? I think you can. However, I was not one of them. I'm being real and honest, here.
It was an overwhelming experience to be touched by MD Anderson. Most of the employed are happy and upbeat, which helped when I felt like a lost rat in the maze of life. People stepped forward, showed me that I wasn't lost and directed me to the correct elevator for where I needed to be. The food was tolerable. The overall building was cold and one day my elevator - elevator E to the 11th floor, did not work. Fortunately, the tower is equipped with a secondary elevator for staff and transporting patients. Eleven floors would have not made a happy Pat.
John's second tumor was wrapped around his carotid artery, but was removed successfully. He is on observation...cancer free. However, this does not include findings of anything smaller than they can see using various magnifying loops. For my husband...I wanted the Hubble...deep space looking. I got the surgeon's loop.
The care John received was phenomenal. His team of folk rose to the occasion giving instructions, information for after care and prognosis of care which includes speech pathology where John can learn to talk again. This was and is exciting.
We left a week later feeling confident that John would not only heal, but would have a quality of life touching on normal. We know he is not out of the cancer forest yet as the surgeons have agreed he will need either or both radiation and chemo after he heels. It's a nasty cancer bug...duh!
What is my take on this, the latest chapter? It still sux. I cannot kid you and tell you I am fine with all of this, for I am not. But what I am is this: undaunted and resolute.
I am undaunted by the mass of information and processes we need to ingest. I am undaunted by the nagging fear in the back of my head (which sometimes moves to center stage). I am undaunted in the energy I need to dig up from a weary me. I just gotta plow through.
I am resolute to continue to talk to my Higher Power, God. I am resolute to not lay blame or be angry for more than the time it takes me to say, "Hi God, me again...need a little help, here." I am resolute to love my husband no matter frickin' what comes down the path. I am resolute to continue my mantra of: I am Strong, I am Brave and I am Courageous! But, most of all, I want to read and say out loud the Serenity Prayer, that I now wear around my neck, every day with the conviction to say, God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
